Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
