why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
