I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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