She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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