He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
