i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
