Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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