She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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