ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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