So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
