Moan for me like Helen Keller
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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