Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
