I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
