he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
