I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
