We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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