So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
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There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
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I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize