I hate all girls vehemently.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
