My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
