I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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