sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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