I look better un-naked...
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
