I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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