The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
