Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
