Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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