I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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