dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
