she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
