Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
