The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
