he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
