found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
