Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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