There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
The cops high fived after they tackled you
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
