My liver just broke up with me...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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