When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
