A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Randomize
