he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
