I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
