I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
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Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
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