she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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