The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
