1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
