Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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