I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
