You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
