I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Randomize
