I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on