ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
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Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
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I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
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