the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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