my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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