Sry I called you an 8
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Randomize
