oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
