There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
