Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
