cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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