Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize