Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
