oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
