im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
