I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
