my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Two words: blizzard sex
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
