i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
